When Peace Fails


Let me just set the stage here: I play in a Fantasy Football league with some coworkers. My team, the West Chester Wizerds, is 8-2.

I consider trash talk an integral part of the game, but I’ve been careful to only open fire on my sworn enemies in the league. So imagine my surprise when, after offering a trade to the (previously neutral) Colorado Condors, the person rejected the trade and then lashed out at me over the league mailing list.

The following is what happens in the rough-n-tumble realm of Fantasy Football:
>>> “T J” <xxxxxx@dxxxxx.com>11/14/03 01:52PM >>>

Reject all RB trades with the “#1 ranked team” the Wiz-Terds! Today is the last day for trades and the “Master” needs a backup RB! He did not help me out when I needed it, nor do I think he helped any of you either!
>>> “Aaron W. Benson” <gestapo@geckoblue.org>11/14/03 03:00PM >>>
Please. Am I being criticized by a team that lost 5 games in a row?

Stop your whining. I never said I was “Master” of the league, but the fact that I stomped you 128-66 certainly makes me your pimp.

Given the fact that I steamrolled the Colorado Condoms, and you’re now languishing at the bottom of the division, you should be begging for a trade. Instead, you’re too busy accomplishing mind-boggling feats like losing to Mondo’s Maurauders.

And as far as helping people out goes, I’ve done three trades and sent probably 7 players to other teams. But it’s too bad you can’t swallow your pride and become a contender.
>>> “T J” <xxxxxx@dxxxxx.com>11/14/03 03:26PM >>>

Whoa, I’m sorry…Ghandi, I guess I didn’t realize all of the good you have done for the players of this league! I will talk to the Commissioner about having a bust made up of you and placed in the hall of fame as the givingest fantasy football owner in history! I may have lost 5 straight games in our marathon of a league (this is not a sprint) which puts me at the bottom of our division, but it would also place me at tied for second if I were in the other division! Yes, you did win the week Marshall Faulk got hurt and beat me by 62 points, and I give you kudos for that, you won the lowest scoring game I had all year, (with my starting QB’s and RB on the injured list) …but “PIMP” I think not! Once you have won the entire league, then talk to me…with only two RB’s, I hope there aren’t any unexpected injuries! At week 15, the slate is wiped clean and it is do or die! Let’s see what end of the spectrum you end up on!!!

See ya in week 12, Bitch!
>>> “Aaron W. Benson” <gestapo@geckoblue.org>11/14/03 04:33PM >>>

Well -that- was disappointing. They told me you had “ripped” me in your response, but all I see here are excuses. “Faulk got hurt! It was my lowest game all year! My QB was hurt! My RB was hurt! I would be in SECOND place in the OTHER division!!”

I tried to make a deal with you, but if you wanna do it this way, then fine. Listen, your Colorado Crackwhores got pimpslapped by the Wizerds. If the best you can do is rationalize your 5-GAME LOSING STREAK by imagining your team in another division, then you really shouldn’t be talking trash.

The whole “marathon” excuse may have worked in, say, Week 4, but THIS IS WEEK 11. Which brings me to my next point…

Look at the breakdown, bitch. I’m 8-2 head to head against your club. And since you KNOW you can’t beat me H2H, you’re trying to rally the rest of the roadkill to deny my trade, praying that a chance injury keeps me from stomping you next time.

The bottom line is that I am the pimp, and you’re running a team full of bitches. And come championship time, you’re gonna go out and make me some money.
>>> “T J” <xxxxxx@dxxxxx.com>11/14/03 05:06PM >>>

You could be 14-0 and still lose the first round of the playoffs and it was all for not…all I have to do is make the playoffs, my record is irrelevant then…maybe you should print out that 8-2 record and frame it as a memory of what “was” cause it all comes down to week 15, 16 and 17…or for you week 15! Your response is pretty funny, I have to admit, it made me giggle…When you realize you really were not cut out for Fantasy Football Team Coaching, you might want to look at Fantasy Stand-up!

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