Do you care if this is coherent?
When I awoke this morning, I had a moment of clarity. My alarm had gone off minutes earlier, and I was lying there in bed at 5:30AM.
And I thought to myself, “fuck this.”
No, not the lazy, lethargic “fuck this” of someone who closes his eyes again and gropes for that fading dream, deciding that sleeping in is more appealing than getting on with the day.
This was the opposite. It was a restless, impatient “fuck this,” a stirring discontent that came over me as I surveyed the coming day.
As I carried on that morning, the feeling didn’t go away. I thought it would, the way a strange dream dissipates over time. Instead, it grew, no longer about a specific chore or responsibility, but seeming to envelope everything.
What was I feeling? I’d have to say it was a generalized, spontaneous dissatisfaction with all things. Life, jobs, friends, housemates, relationships…this is the best I could do? Unbelievable.
I suppose it’s normal for one to feel constrained by the trappings of everyday life at one point or another. Two things are clear, though:
The first thing is that I am not where I wanted to be in life, where I could be in life, or even, knowing my shortcomings, where I thought I would be. Maybe if I’d settled for a little less in the way of economic, emotional or physical payoffs, I might have been happier over the long run.
The second thing is that things need to change. And if you know me, you’ll soon see that happen.