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November 23, 2004
November 14, 2004
Deep Cleaning
I saw this in my roommate's copy of FHM (For Him Magazine), and I instantly knew it was for me:  Now that's what I call a deep cleaning. Heh, heh, heh. In fact, I bet this soap is sooo much better than Brand-X at cutting through that layer of body funk. I like the idea, though. I would make my own, but I gave away all my razors in candy a few weeks ago... October 31, 2004
May 23, 2004
March 02, 2004
March 01, 2004
Courtroom Stupidity
These exchanges are from a book called "Disorder In The Courts." They're things people actually said in court, word for word. They were taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place... ______________________________________ Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there. ______________________________________ Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. ______________________________________ Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? ______________________________________ Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-five or thirty-eight, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. ______________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. ______________________________________ Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? A: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______________________________________ Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? ______________________________________ Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? ______________________________________ Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? ______________________________________ Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? ______________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? ______________________________________ Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________ Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. ______________________________________ Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. ______________________________________ Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ______________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. February 24, 2004
December 30, 2003
Wal-Mart Culture
This is possibly the funniest internal memo I've ever read. The bit about spraying the custodial associate's arm gave me a hilarious visual. And the cake was a nice touch. Two gems from the comment boards: "This is what happens when Wal-Mart outsources to the lowest bidder who then hires ex-criminals at rock-bottom wages and proceeds to treat them like shit (no pun intended)." "I wonder if the 100-year-old greeters are somehow responsible." December 10, 2003
December 02, 2003
November 26, 2003
Holiday Gift
From the Fark forums: "Hopefully this will land on my doorstep Christmas morning..."  [click the pic] "Oh, and Cheney and DeLay immediately follow suit..." October 28, 2003
Most Offensive Halloween Costumes Ever!
Gee, I wonder what would happen if I competed in the office Halloween contest wearing one of these costumes:  [click the pic] Takes, ahem, balls to wear that one.  [click the pic]  [click the pic]  [click the pic]  [click the pic] Oh, lighten up. You know this shit is funny. (Though the last one is pretty tasteless, IMO.) October 06, 2003
Why Thank You
We've all seen roadkill, but you have to wonder what kind of person thought this up:
I have to admit, though, that I found it funny. You do too, admit it. Let's just hope it was, in fact, roadkill. Thanks, Spencer. October 05, 2003
Twist of Fate
If I were this lady, I would've never married into this name. Maybe it's her maiden name, and she just had cruel parents. There are so many deliciously awkward workplace sentences to use her name in, I won't even bother listing them. September 24, 2003
Webs of Pleasure
Via John Wyles -- After reading about this experiment, I bet you'll think twice before drinking that coffee. Now, it's probable that the spider was exposed to a much higher, unproportional dose of caffeine than humans. But it's still a good read. Now, if I could just figure out how to test my cat... August 05, 2003
You Don't Say...
A friend sent this link in an e-mail titled "The second-best thing to being born black..." He said it, not me. July 01, 2003
Oops
People who go 30mph in a 45mph zone are one reason why I avoid one-lane back roads. Today, after three or four miles of following a little black Jetta at this pace, we came to a stop light. I was so irritated at that point that I stopped too slowly and inadvertently bumped the Jetta. The geezer in front of me was so senile that he didn't even notice the jolt. June 24, 2003
Barnard Street Crime Scene
I told you I lived in an asylum. Imagine my surprise when I walked down the stairs only to see my porch cordoned off like a crime scene...  [click the pic] Upon closer inspection, I realized the tape said CAUTION rather than POLICE LINE. Still, though, I wondered if my house had been contaminated and "they" had told everyone except me.  [click the pic] (Yes, that is my Taurus in the background...) Turns out that my landlord, who recently bought the house next door, had decided to re-pave the concrete steps that span both houses.  [click the pic] (If you look closely, you can see my Anyone But Bush bumper sticker on the back of the white car.) We were advised to use our back door for new next few days. We did that (or just hopped the front porch) for, oh, a couple of hours. That quickly got old. I mean, I dunno who that construction guy thought he was, asking me to walk alllll the way to the back of the house just to get in and out of my own goddamn apartment. So, of course, after the guy left we just started walking right over the plastic. The whole thing wasn't as sexy as some crime drama, but it's nice that we can reap some residual benefits from our neighbors' the ongoing home improvement. The job is all done now, and our neighbors from the surrounding houses no longer look at us strangely. And no, the steps don't have the word NIKE stamped all over them. June 16, 2003
My Favorite Movie Line
-Ice-T, holding Wesley Snipes at gunpoint. New Jack City (1991)
June 13, 2003
June 07, 2003
Losing It
I think my friend has finally lost it. I guess one can only spend so much time outside the good ol' US of A... Meanwhile, in other absurd sightings... June 05, 2003
May 29, 2003
Insanitary
So I walked into the restroom at work today and I saw my co-worker, Keith, standing at the urinal and flushing it. Familiar enough, only it wasn't the once-and-done deal that most of us do. He was just standing there, hitting the handle over and over again, and filling the restroom with the near-deafening sound of blasting water. Now, I know who Keith is, but I don't know him. I've just seen him around, an old, cagey guy with a big beard. You know the type: the ones who mutters a grudging "hi" to you in the hallway without making eye contact, as if such salutations distract them from some secret diabolical scheme to take over the world. So, apprehensive as I was, I walked by and managed a lightly sarcastic remark: "Gee, I think you've flushed yours, Keith." Then Keith turns to me and goes, "Well, how else is it going to get down to the water fountain?" May 16, 2003
April 29, 2003
Retards in Red States #4
Tonight I was watching Real Time with Bill Maher on HBO. This guy, Brian from North Carolina, phoned into the show: "Don't you think the SARS virus could be a terrorist attack, and if so, how can we fight it?" 'Nuff said. April 20, 2003
How's your mideast geography?
I got all the Gulf states, and even a few former Soviets. But those damn afrikaans... This post is dedicated to Azamat, my summer school buddy turned pen pal from Kyrgysztan. April 19, 2003
Dumb Customers #2
I just spoke to a customer who couldn't spell the word "clinic." Seriously. He had to ask me for help. I was dumbfounded at first; silence on the phone. Then I responded, "C-L-I-N-I-C...You know, like the free one your daughter was at yesterday?" What's happening to people these days? April 17, 2003
April 15, 2003
Dumb Customers
There are some customers you just dread talking to. Take this one lady, Gayle. We all hate talking to her, because she sounds like a demented kindergarten teacher. Picture Connie Chung on speed. The first time I talked to her, she was having a printing problem. I asked her what kind of printer she had, and she said "Oh, I don't know." Then she let out one of those dumb bimbo-like belch-giggles, and enthusiastically blurted out "I'm a little tiggy-wiggy!" No kidding. Today she called me because a program kept popping up on startup, and she couldn't can't get it to go away. As I was diligently working on her laptop, she said "I hate this laptop! I'm going to bury you six feet under if it isn't fixed." No kidding. My imagined response: "The next time you visit your doctor, say 'mood swings,' and I guarantee you he'll say 'Paxil.' That'll fix you riiight up." April 12, 2003
April 05, 2003
Crank Yankers
This show is hilarious. Here's the beginning of some girl's prank call to a department store: Umm, I was in the store, and I got totally sprayed by the perfume counter. I did not want to be sprayed, and now, I have this rash, like, all over my vagina.
Retards in Red States
This is from a Wall Street Journal story about inbreds in Elkhart, Indiana with nothing to do: A bunch of armed guys from this small city are prepared to take on terrorists. The "Homeland Security" crew isn't very busy, though. "We don't do very damn much," admits one town defender. "We drink some coffee and run around the neighborhood. It gets boring." Almost as stupid as casting out satan (Florida) or keeping a confederate state flag (Mississippi). I'm starting to warm to a traditionally Republican idea; maybe keeping people from the polls isn't so bad after all. April 04, 2003
Healthcare IT
This is the kind of jargon-filled spam I get at work: From: Maureen G--------
To: PHL IT Department
Subject: BC of CA WTF? April 03, 2003
The Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld
The Unknown As we know, There are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know There are known unknowns. That is to say We know there are some things We do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, The ones we don’t know We don’t know. April 02, 2003
The Orwellian Corporation
When I came in to work this morning and turned on my monitor, there was a window open with the following message: Mr Benson,
Your inability to secure your workstation is a serious breech of [D-----] security.
Please be advised that contents of your PC have changed.
It is your responsibility to determine what. Kinda creepy. I'm pretty sure this happened because I disabled their "mandatory" screen-locking applet. It was annoying logging back into my own workstation just because I got up to take a whiz. Anyway, I told my boss I didn't care what was changed, as long as they left my mp3 shares, warez FTP server, Kazaa movie downloads and porn bookmarks alone. Hopefully, all my work was deleted. March 24, 2003
Masturbate for Peace
(Sorry...) Check out these I was just searching for "bumper stickers." Honest. While you're at it, check out these g-rated ones. March 21, 2003
Check the Facts
This was a headline flashed at the bottom of the screen on CNN: "TURKEY FEARS IRAQIS WILL CREATE A TURKISH STATE" And then, this one: "TURKISH SEPARATISTS HAVE LONG FOUGHT FOR AUTONOMY" CNN is usually on the ball, but that was March 02, 2003
February 07, 2003
Michael Jackson, Boylover
I guess now we understand what he meant when he told Lisa-Marie Presley he wanted to have kids. (sorry) It's tragic, really, watching my childhood idol become what he is today. And as for Michael's other issues, I suppose I identify with him more than I would readily admit: The self-loathing and insecurity of youth; the emotionally traumatic childhood, still imprinted into his psyche and carried over into his adult years; and the gradual feeling of disaffection from his own race, albeit in an extreme sense. But why Michael has allowed this to transform him into such a bizarre human being, we'll never know. |
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"I wanna shoot you so bad that my dick's hard."
![[click the pic]](/images/posts/2003/costumes_penises.jpg.gif){kind=link}
